Once, Then A Thousand Times
by Veronique Sarisandeul
Summary: A series of mostly-interconnected drables, generally centered around L. Slightly AU. Spoilers for real names. Chaper 8: Light doesn't realize.
1. Lawliet Doesn't Steal

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Death Note_, nor do I claim to own any other possible copyrighted materials that may happen to show up in this fic.**

1) Lawliet does not steal.

Lawliet does not steal. This is a fact, and he clings to it, a last remnant of life before his mother died. Lawliet does not steal, however… he does not stop Beyond from stealing, either. Yes, he practically vibrates with worry whenever the boy is out of his sight, because Beyond is smart and fast and has an eye for danger, and he's only six years old and Lawliet's little brother, and—

He worries. But he pretends not to notice when they have more food than should be possible from begging and scrounging and running small errands for people who half the time don't even pay.

It feeds Nate and Beyond. And he's practical enough to know that his moral qualms have no place here, on the street. No matter what his mother may have taught him.

But that's just the thing. That's what makes living like this that much harder than it might have been. It's the gaze of his mother peaking from his memories, with her fake wildflower scent that just barely covered another he could never place, her bright smiles belied by weary eyes, her soft voice and soft hands that soothed any fear… with her unwavering sense of justice and faith in humanity.

All Lawliet has left of her are those ideals that his little brothers had been too young to grasp. He clings to them with the desperation of a disillusioned little boy who wants to forget the truths of life learned far too early on.

Hearing the creak of the door to the basement they are squatting in, he creeps forward until ruby eyes can see his brother's name and life span, still reassuringly long. Slipping away from where Beyond might see him, Lawliet allows himself to relax.

His mother would understand.


	2. Beyond Remembers How to Wish

2) Beyond remembers how to wish

Beyond remembers a lot more than Lawliet thinks he does.

He remembers their mother, all the wonderful things she was and just how she felt about the law and the world. But he also remembers hunger and illness with no medicine because she'd taken what money they had and got drunk, Nate's crying filling the silence between his stomach and the constant _tk, tk_ of Lawliet biting his nails, running over solution after solution in his head. He remembers Lawliet hiding the money from her so they could buy _food_ and skipping meal after meal until Beyond forced him to eat because it doesn't matter how hard Lawliet tries to protect his family if he dies in the process.

The past and the present aren't that different, really.

"Hey, Lawlipop." Beyond says brightly as he plops beside his morose brother who is probably calculating the odds of their surviving this coming winter. Nothing good comes of _that_, he knows.

Lawliet hardly acknowledges him, and Beyond makes a show of pouting. Someone has to be vaguely positive, right? Besides, nicknames are his _thing_ and Lawliet loves sugar. He's asking for it.

"Hey, Lawlipop." He pokes his shoulder for attention. Gets a sigh in response.

"Tell me a story?" That eyebrow means _What about?_ And Beyond finds himself grinning.

"Tell me about where we'll live when we're rich and stuff. And maybe famous." That look means _I'm on to you_, but that's fine. Lawliet is almost-smiling and relaxed and even if he knows this is more for him than for Beyond, it's working and that's all that matters.

Beyond has a very good memory. As he watches his brother's face, he remembers how to wish.


	3. Near rebuilds an empire

3) Near rebuilds an empire

After Kira's death there's really only one thing to do.

Near sits with his robots and gives orders to Rester and Gevanni and Halle as he rebuilds his brothers' masterpiece. Kira hadn't know how big 'L' really was, so that was five years without an entity far more important than 'L the detective' and far less tangible – L's empire was made of twisted faerie tales where everyone dies despite best efforts and Near sees Beyond's handiwork in the way it would be so easy to take over the world.

Beyond's, yes, Beyond's and Lawliet's, not the aliases they were assigned by that genius factory they grew up in. Lawiet's care and Beyond's good natured, practical ruthlessness. Near doesn't want to think about the people that place had made his brothers – has made him.

They shouldn't have died. So many good people… but especially them. They deserved more; longer, better lives. More chances, more time, more opportunities. Lawliet – he's seen the surveillance; he was Lawliet at the end – dying in his murderer's arms, alone because who did he have there besides Watari? Beyond, trapped in a little white room because he'd snapped and gone insane but there was hope for rehabilitation – slim, yes; so? – killed by Kira like the murderer Near can never consider him to be. Mello, blown up in the pursuit of what had mattered most to him, going down like the fire that was always there behind his eyes. Matt, the most loyal person he's ever met, tall and calm and dignified when they shot him full of holes. Naomi, who was Beyond's best friend, who had taught them capoiera, who had been too amazing to be tied down by someone like _Penber_ and _removed_ like some kind of —Near takes a deep breath.

He needs to forget this, needs to become a machine and fix the world.

First, he lets himself be Nate again. And Nate remembers.

There are thousands of memories, from the vague impressions of a childhood in dirty warehouses to catching Kira in a place that may as well have been one of them. Red eyes and dark hair, contacts, a blur of German and a flash of blond, a warm voice saying _focus_, a weary smile and scars of insomnia, tousled brown hair and dead eyes on a backdrop of red, video games and first aid and the best and worst place in the world.

Closing his eyes, Near can almost see Beyond's smile, almost hear the laugh in his voice as he calls him _Angel_.

-~*`'-_

Soooo... yes. L and Near, by the way, also have the Shinigami eyes in this. Along with Beyond. _Because._

This was a little... uegh. I'm not happy with it.


	4. Matt cleans up after people

4) Matt spends his life cleaning up after people.

It starts with his father, who leaves. Matt's young then, only seven years old, and he's not Matt yet. Little Mail picks up after the mess his father leaves behind, then after the mess his mother becomes at her abandonment.

He keeps himself neat and contained when she dies – suicide – and picks up after the children at the foster home he's shipped to. Literally and figuratively – he's been playing mother for far too long to stop now.

Then things change. Or they're supposed to. _Wammy's House for Extraordinary Children_… So what? Half the point of this place seemed to be to pick up after _him_, but he doesn't really care. Doesn't really care when he's latched onto by the largest mess in the orphanage, but he kind of likes it. Mello is the first to use his new name – "Matt! There's _chocolate!_" – and he likes that, too.

For nearly eight years he cleans up after and takes care of Mello. He's the one who patches up Near after Mello beats on him. He's the one who patches up Mello after Beyond finds out who's been beating on Near.

When L – finally – witnesses a fight between the two, he distracts that heavy disappointed gaze – because Mello and Near are L's favourites and it hurts him as much as them when they do this – and cheers both boys up afterwards.

Matt often finds himself cleaning up broken games, toys, table lamps… anything conceivably breakable and a few things that aren't, but not before he's sorted the emotional mess Mello is in when he causes the wreckage.

He isn't there when Roger tells the top two that L has died, so he can't see Near shatter and freeze over at the news, but he can almost feel Mello's explosion clear on the other side of the house.

L is like his father, here, leaving the people who love him so that Matt is stuck with his mess to deal with. That L left by dieing – thus unwillingly – changes not a thing.

When Mello leaves Wammy's in a whirlwind of anger and desperation, Matt picks up the pieces and goes after. He mentally apologises to Near, who needs someone desperately right now, but Mello is more important.

He digs Mello out of an explosion and takes him home and cleans him up and puts up with him unconscious with puss-filled burns and way too much attitude for someone who isn't even coherent when he _is_ awake.

Sitting on the floor next to Mello's head, trying not to smoke to avoid irritating his best friend's burns, Matt finds that he has nothing to regret.

AN: Why do I get the feeling that Matt doesn't really like L? That was not what I was expecting when I started writing this.

Maybe I should rename this fic _Memory_.


	5. Mello is too old to cry

5) Mello is too old to cry.

Mello always tells himself that he's too old to cry. Sure he did when he was little – didn't everyone? Except perhaps Near, he allows. He's not sure Near's human enough to cry.

Mello, though – Mello's human. He doesn't pretend to be anything _but_ human. He's too smart to con himself into thinking he's invincible.

Or even that L is.

And crying… well, everyone cries sometimes. Even teenaged boys. Even geniuses. So Mello doesn't beat himself up _too_ much over it.

Still, he can't help but think of himself as rather pathetic, now. After all, he's not crying for his parents' deaths, but rather because he no can longer remember their faces.

/*^*\

AN: Have any of you seen _Pom Poko_? It's a film by Hayao Miyazaki about these shape-shifting raccoons trying to save their forest. In the end, a lot of them end up living as humans to survive, and I thought, well, what would happen if one of them fell in love with, married, etc. a human? L! Except that the raccoons were all very playful and cheery and L, well, is …not.

So. Yes. **I have reviewssssss! **Three of them. Not that amazing, I grant you, but _I've never had reviews before._ This is because my stories are all pretty much awful. I have no idea why people like this so much… So, yeah. I was so inspired that I wrote a rather sucky Mello chapter, right on the spot. I hope you like it, regardless!

Additional AN: _What_ is it with removing words all over the place? Absolutely wonderful habit, that. Especially as I'm just anal enough to go back and fix it every. Single. Time. Over and over if necessary.


	6. Beyond really doesn't care

6) Beyond really doesn't care.

Beyond doesn't really like people. He doesn't like taking care of them, doesn't like looking out for them or cleaning up their mess. Not like Mail does. If asked, he would simply say that Matt's just that much nicer than he is.

This is what he tells himself, even as he holds baby Nate, even as he makes Lawliet take care of himself, even as he bandages wounds and defends his more pacifistic – or, in Nate's case, sedentary – brothers. He tries to ignore that he has become to his brothers what Mail is to Mihael. He keeps himself as ignorant as he can as he adopts first After and then Naomi. (Mihael and Mail, his other adoptees, don't need him, not really. Mail is there, after all. Besides, he'll never fully approve of the blond menace.)

And when twelve-year-old Beyond goes to Lawliet with a plan to save the world, well… It has nothing to do with being a good person. Nothing at all.

/(*^*)\

I'm not sure how Beyond ended up being the taking-care-of-people one… Anyway, yes, he will comply with cannon later on. I wonder if insanity runs in the family… It would explain a lot.

I am calling A After Always, as I do not know his actual name.


	7. Beyond understands

7) Beyond understands.

After they arrive at Wammy's house, it is only a matter of time. Lawliet is fourteen when he takes the title L and becomes an international detective. They've hardly been there a year.

Beyond is never certain whether Lawliet had wanted the job or not. It fits nicely with his morals, and he's weathered enough not to be bothered by crime scenes, but he has the sneaking suspicion that his brother has only taken it because After would have if he hadn't, and After is fragile. And then, when After had broken down or committed suicide or whatever the job drove him to… it would go to Beyond. And Beyond is Lawliet's little brother.

Beyond knows there is something wrong with him. He sees the way his brothers sometimes look at him, worry mixed with protectiveness in Lawliet's gaze and worry bordering on fear in Nate's. He is under no illusions as to the cause, and as much as he wants to deny it, pretend he can't feel the pain – it hurts. That they'd look at him and think of him, even for a moment, as something not their brother – as something wrong. Something that whispers that he'd be dangerous, if he were L.

He wants to shake them, sometimes. _I'm not wrong_, he wants to cry, _I'm just different_ – but he's an exceptionally intelligent person, after all, and he knows this is a lie. He doesn't need the sideways looks and jeering whispers to tell him that.

He has After. That kind, gentile fragile boy… His brothers love him enough to work past this, but they don't get it, not really. Not like After. After will always understand.

**_AN:_**

This is it for Beyond for a while, at least at this age. I really have no idea how to write a crazy person…


	8. Light doesn't realize – or care

8) Light doesn't realize – or care.

Light doesn't realize that L had family until shortly before his own death. Near had been asked where his conviction came from, if it was his sense of justice that drove him forward, or perhaps duty, or… Light hadn't thought he'd answer, but he can still hear the chill in that voice when he did, even through the machines, echoing through memory to when he is revealed at last.

"_I had two brothers. Kira killed both of them."_

He doesn't realize who one, at least, of those brothers must be until he meets Near, face-to-face, at the end. _He looks like L,_ is his first thought when the mask is removed. He immediately pushes it aside – he has much, much more pressing matters to deal with – but part of his mind is thinking, remembering the time spent researching L's past cases. _The Los Angeles BB murder case,_ whose perpetrator he can remember killing, now – Beyond Birthday, such an unusual name – and only now does he recall the face, so similar to L's, and only now does he realize that L only took his case _after_ BB had died. _Ha,_ he wants to gloat, _not so virtuous now_ – but neither of them had ever claimed to be, and he is rather occupied with trying to stay alive.

…

I actually really like Light… I mean, he's kind of, well, batshit insane, if you want to be polite about it, but I genuinely believe that he's a good person, under all that. A manipulative liar, yes, but a good person. A lot like L.


End file.
